All the news that's fit to print

I am in an all out war with the L.A. Times.

First they raise their prices to $40 - fine if you deliver to me - whatever, I can't say anything. BUT - last week I didn't get my paper Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. Friday I called them threatening their life if they didn't deliver BOTH Thursday and Friday's paper on Friday. Why? Cause I need my Calendar Weekend section. I need to know what bands are playing (even if I don't go) and what exhibits are opening. Since they changed their format 5 years ago now all the info's in Thursday's edition.

So what happens Friday - one paper, Friday and that's it. So I called them again - tellins them to f*ing pay be back for all those days. So what if it's $1.50 - I didn't get a raise remember??

Come Saturday I run outside at 7am to make sure the paper is there. It is, and I breathe a sigh of relief. Cut to Sunday morning and the entire - ENTIRE - paper is strewn up and down my driveway. I'm sure the operator told the dumbass delivery guy he wasn't doing his job. Now every morning with much trepidation I go out to see where my paper has landed. Cause if this shit happens again - I'm cancelling it and changing only to Sundays. And it'll give me a good reason to call them and bitch them out. Always a fun event. Not that it will make my life easier - but I'll feel better knowing I told them to shove their paper up their ass.

Kyle hates when I bitch out companies over the phone. He thinks I'm ruining our good last name. Since I've already complained to every one one earth who's wronged me using my maiden name - with my married last name it's a clean slate right?

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

I have a sore throat. I am dying here.

On Oprah today they had this lady who NEVER STOPS TALKING. Holy crap they showed her talking to everyone - telling them everything about her life - retarded. Her husband was sick of it - her friends were sick of it. I WAS SICK of it and they only showed her for 3 minutes. What a crazy ho. So they challenged her to not talk for 2 days. Amazingly she did it - course they had to send her far, far away. Her friends and family were probably relieved. Who the hell has that much to say??

Anyway that's how I felt today with my sore throat. Not being able to talk, I loved it. Just sitting at home, reading and watching the food network. Ah, the life. Course I do have a hankering for a Krispy Kreme donut - so I sent my brother out to get me one. That's sure to cure my sore throat! HA!

Fore!

Back in the day when I was a child, I was a good golfer. Good in the sense that I was about 14 years old and could drive over 250 yards consistently. But alas, I grew up - became an architect and developed severe carpal tunnel. Damn work for ruining my life once again.

Anyway, I don't play nearly as much as I used too. I just can't hold the clubs anymore. So I've been watching these very funny "Tiger Trap" commercials featuring Tiger Woods for Buick. Where he challenges people to a driving contest. If you go to buick.com you can watch the whole thing and it's quite amusing.

On the website you can enter a contest to win a car - which sounds good to me - cause with this new baby coming - who wouldn't want to win a new car, even if it is a Buick. So I entered. Hello, maybe I should have read the fine print.

You don't win a car, you win a chance to go to the Buick Scramble Championships in Orlando, Florida in October. OCTOBER? I'll be six months pregnant by then! What if I win? How hilarious to see a big ass pregnant woman trying to outshoot Tiger Woods. Mind you it's only a par three, and you don't really have to outshoot him - you just have to get on the green which shouldn't be a problem on a regular day - but 6 months pregnant - not gonna happen.

Kyle hopes I win just for the comedy factor. We'll just have to wait and see....

Futures made of virtual insanity now

So lovely Tivo taped Naked Chef on the food network for me, just as I asked it too. Aw, Tivo, you shouldn't have.

Much to my surprise Jamiroquai was featured! They are truly brilliant and really underappreciated in America. Most people only know they from that retarded moving sidewalk hook and fuzzy hat back in like 1996. They are so much more than that - a truly funky groovy brand of acid jazz. Apparently they are releasing a new album - probably only in the U.K. so I better revisit my Amazon UK account for that one.

Jamie made a delicious looking roast for the band - and I got to see how Yorkshire Pudding was made - not the way I had thought it was. Man, Jay Kay is a British superstar - cause his kitchen was to die for.

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack

I am a purse fiend. I must be to want this damn weenie dog purse.

The other night my brother was trying on his suit - clearly he has lost weight cause it was rather big on him. Immediately I started singing "Once in a Lifetime" by the Talking Heads. "This is not my beautiful house...." He and I cracked up. I guess you wouldn't get that obscure reference unless you knew the video. Oh well, if you have no idea what I am talking about then the genius of the moment is lost on you.

I can't wait for a long weekend. Speaking of - Figgy is coming to town next week! Only for a day and sadly I won't be seeing her since she will be staying in boring old San Diego. Maybe I should write her a letter using these "figgy" pencils....

Cheesed off
Another fun fact STivo told me about his trip was that he ate some African berry that made lemons taste sweet. I told him there was no berry - I think it was just crystal meth.

Speaking of weird food - I have been lovin' me some PUFFED Chee-tos lately. Not the regular ones, no no, the puffed ones. Ever since I saw Sharon Gless chowing down on Queer as Folk, they looked sooo good. And man are they addicting. The weird thing is if you go to the Frito Lay website they have "recipes" for their products. Mostly it's just a hundred variations on Frito Pie. But there are exceptions, here's a recipe for Potato Chip Cookies:

LAY'S® Potato Chip Cookies
Make 5 dozen

5 cups crushed LAY'S® brand Potato Chips (measured after crushing)
1 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
1 cup white sugar
2 eggs, slightly beaten
1/2 cup milk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 cups flour
3 tsp. baking powder
1/2 cup chopped pecans

Combine the first six ingredients and mix well. Sift together the flour and baking powder. Add to the potato chip mixture and mix well. Stir in the pecans. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto a greased baking sheet, allowing space for the cookies to spread. Bake at 375° for 10 to 15 minutes, or until lightly browned.

I do my little dance on the catwalk
Well, I only watched part of America's Next Top Model cause STivo came over and told me all about how he got the gout. Gross. I thought only 60 year old men got that stuff. That's what you get for going on vacay and eating pork and alcohol for two weeks straight.

Anyway - I was kinda glad to see Kesse and her big forehead go. God if only they'd kick off Robin then my life would be complete. Kyle's fave Adrianne stuck it out. He likes her mono-syllabic voice. I especially loved the part where she learned she was going to Paris and said (in the most lifeless voice possible) "Today is the happiest day of my life." Classic!

I'm telling you - I can pick 'em - I know Elyse will be in the top 2 - she may not win - but she will get up there. Just as I picked Clay Aiken the minute I saw him - ah ha!

I gots the bad englishes (part deux)
God I hate bad spelling. I can understand a hasty email or two, but jesus - if you OWN a f*ing store - proofread that sh*t before you send it out and get a sign made!

Down the street the gas station put up a new sign:

Fresh - Hot - Toasty - BAGLES

Hello - it's not like eagles, it's bagels...bagels!! Everytime we drive by I have to scream the word BAGLES to Kyle just to let him know how irritated I am.

As if that isn't bad enough, if you go the other direction down the street, there is a Chinese Restaurant with a sign:

Under New Managerment

What the hell is that? Manager, management, manager, management, there is no inbetween!
You know the sign maker is looking at their proof going:

"Ha. Spellcheck. Fucking dumbass."

Ugh I need to lie down.

Dreaming of you

Last night I dreamed I was eating Kentucky Fried Chicken with Harrison Ford. That's what a night of vomiting til you're delusional will do to your dreams.

On another note I just saw an old lady driving into Gelson's wearing a sailor's hat. No - that was not a dream - that was real.

Kill your television
Well I didn't know what I was gonna do with my Sunday nights anymore . The season finale of Queer as Folk was on last night. I cried when Ted went to rehab - I cried when Hunter said goodbye. So sad.

The good thing is Sex and the City started again! Yay! So my Sundays won't be so boring after all. These season looks to be pretty good too - judging by this first episode. Watching these shows while walking on the treadmill is a good thing. I don't notice the time passing and my workout is done in no time.

When I used to go to the gym I'd walk on the treadmill for no more than 20 minutes then move on to something else. Except for the one time there was a car chase on tv and I couldn't take my eyes off it. I had to know what happened to that guy. I was on that thing for 45 minutes! Course my legs were dying and they never caught him, not while I was watching anyway. Ahh....compelling television.

Scratch, scratch...
Hail to the Thief is quite awesome. Thom Yorke, you go with your lazy eye! There is one track, I can't remember what it is - but it makes me feel itchy. When was the last time a record made you feel itchy?

I also heard Liz Phair singing live on that idiot's show - and man, her album sounds unbelievable. Where has she been all these years? Who cares - she's back!

What's funny is when you look at the "recommendations" on amazon.com when you look up Liz Phair's album, it's amazing, they offer up Radiohead and Lucinda WIlliams. How do they know me so well?

Rizzo: "I'm like a defective typewriter, I skipped a period..."

Alright, in case you haven't guessed... I'm gonna have a baby! Yay! Who knew all that vomiting WASN'T just monkey pox...

It's exciting yet a weird feeling. I'm happy but I have mad morning sickness - and that's bullsh*t cause it's not in the morning it's usually at night. Nothing like all day nausea to wear you down.

Anyway you can look forward to lots of vomiting stories. Oh goodie.

A handshake, seals the contract, from the contract, there's no turning back....

So we had our salary review at work and basically I am making pennies more than I was yesterday Whoohoo...cry, cry..Anyway - I can still make this into a cause celebre and buy myself a new purse! I've had the same purse for 6 months - which I'm telling you - is a feat for me. So I'm off to see about a new Kate Spade bag. I saw a nice one the other day, but it seemed a bit large. As I get older I have more sh*t to carry around and now my purses have become these monstrosities. What happened to the old days of a little tiny handbag. I've got too much going on for something that small.

As for the weekend I want to see if I can kick some kids asses out of the way tonight and buy myself the new Harry potter. I have to see who J.K. Rowling kills off. Also, the HULK comes out today. I really don't wanna see this movie, but I don't know - we'll see. If you want an opinion on the flick you can always ask the HULK himself.....

Foodtv
I hate Bobby Flay. Partly because he was such an ass on "Iron Chef" and partly because...he's a total ass. Plus his food is boring. This is an excerpt from an article about him:

And then there's Bobby Flay. Host of the long-running programs "Hot off the Grill with Bobby Flay" and "FoodNation," Flay is the successful chef-owner of Manhattan hotspots Bolo and Mesa Grill, and a core member of the Food Network's stable of talent.

He is also a total dick.

Ha - I couldn't agree more.

food is not my friend

I came home today to the worst case of food poisoning known to man. I must have barfed up a lung. We have three bathrooms and I christened them all. I feel sorry for my brother since his was the first. heh heh.

Still - all my upchucking didn't stop Kyle and my brother from trying out the new treadmill. They hooked on their pedometers and tried to see how many steps they could run in two minutes. So far 300.

Me and my bowels are in no mood to treadmill.

Big Mac Attack
Ok McDonald's is no longer in my eating habits, which sucks only because NOW they are giving away "Finding Nemo" toys. Although I did go there last night and eat a caramel sundae which was delicious - but then that made me miss "America's Next Top Model." Damn.

I also saw a sign for a "$1 Filet o' FIsh". $1 fish just doesn't sound trustworthy to me. I don't think I've tasted one of those since like 1985. I wonder if they still taste the same?

I always wonder what other people buy when they go to McDonald's. Cause I am one of those peeps that ALWAYS buys the same thing wherever I go to eat. I am a sucker. I never try new things. If I could eat there...

Top 5 foods that are good at McDonald's:
5. egg mcmuffin
4. hash browns
3. Cheeseburger
2. Fries
1. Caramel Sundae

Domo Arigato

Japanese curry is good. (not Indian curry, blech.)

If you want want good Japanese curry there's always Curry House - but why go there when you can go to HURRY CURRY of Tokyo on Sawtelle. That place is the bomb. Love it. Good food for good prices - and of course, nice design.

While you're out there you can walk to Giant Robot and pick up some ultra cool t-shirts. Ah, this is heaven.

Walkin' walkin' --nobody walks in L.A.

Ok. I told you Kyle got us pedometers to calculate our 10,000 steps a day. Well I wore it to work and today I barely moved from my desk. Oh well. In fact this happened to be the ONE day I didn't go out to lunch either. I thought about strapping it on to our office dog - (yes we have pets in our office) but that dog moves less than I do. So I just kept it on.

I actually got up to 5000 believe it or not, which isn't that good, but hell - better than I expected. Then again I happened to buy the cheap ass pedometer and I noticed that just sitting on the seat of my car - the damn numbers would start to change. We'll see how I do on a more active day...

AFFLECK

You know, I watched E!'s "It's good to be Ben Affleck," but really... IS IT good to be Ben Affleck? I don't think so. I'm glad I'm not Ben Affleck.

Everyday is like Sunday
Sunday is my favorite day of the week. Cause I cook all day. It usually starts with a big breakfast in the morning. My fave are pancakes. We always ate them on the weekends as kids, and sometimes we even had them for dinner. Breakfast for dinner is the tastiest.

So this morning I made pancakes - lots of them. Chocolate chip ones, blueberry ones and just for kyle - peanut butter and jelly ones. Yum-e.

Kyle read somewhere that you are supposed to walk 10,000 steps a day. So of course, he goes out and buys us both pedometers. He's trying to get his numbers as high as possible. I can tell you this - it's 23 steps from here to my couch.

June gloom is gone and now it's DAMN HOT. Ugh - summer is definitely here. All day the Food Network was running "BBQ Week". Rather inspiring, so for dinner we bbq'ed. Roasted corn rocks. I made Ina Garten's recipe for Baked "Chips." They are easy and are a great side dish.

I then capped off my evening by watching Queer as Folk. I am seriously over-emotional cause I ended up crying at one scene. I love Peter Paige.

Here's Ina's recipe, try it, you'll love it.

Baked "Chips"
4 large baking potatoes, unpeeled
4 tablespoons good olive oil
1-1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
3/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 teaspoon minced fresh garlic
1 tesapoon minced fresh rosemary leaves

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Scrub the potatoes, cut them in half lengthwise, then cut each half in thirds lengthwise. You'll have six long wedges from each potato. Place all the ingredients in a bowl with the potatoes. With clean hands, toss all the ingredients together, making sure the poattoes are covered with oil. Spread the potatoes in a single layer with one cut side down.

Bake the potatoes for 30 to 35 minutes, then turn to the other cut side. Bake for another 15 minutes. Bake until they are lightly browned, crisp outside, and tender inside.

(I changed the wording of this recipe just a bit - to make it easier to understand. She tends to make her recipes too wordy. She also adds MORE salt after they come out of the oven. It's not really necessary. Apparently she doesn't care about high blood pressure....)

J'adore Paul Frank
Yes I love monkeys. And today I proved that fact by standing in line at the Paul Frank Annual Warehouse Sale for 3-1/2 hours. Wait - make that 7 hours. Damn, the line was a nightmare - and after 4 hours you think to yourself - god i've waited like a moron this long, how can I leave?? That's the hook.

So cut to me and Skog - 7 hours later waiting in line to buy our goods. And boy did we get our money's worth. Most of the sweatshirts that were $50 were $10, Pajamas that run for like $65 were only $20. Almost everything was priced $5 - $10. Skog and I both said it was possibly the worst day of our lives. We both hate lines, hate standing, and hate screaming. That's all it was for 7 hours straight. But - I got some great stuff that I will love forever -- and I better cause you can bet your a$$ I'm not going through that again.

I wish I had soot balls to do my work...
Well, I finally saw "Spirited Away." I'm not really an anime fan - but since we bought the dvd I thought I'd give it a shot. Course Kyle made me watch it in Japanese with subtitles to hear it in it's "original" format. This sucked only because I really had to pay attention and couldn't read my magazines. But it was a great movie. It had some scary elements - I can't stand grotesquely drawn things, but it worked very well. The movie had a good message and of course was visually stunning. The only thing I could gripe about was that it had the typical "yelling of the characters names when they are in trouble i.e."HAAKU!!!!" I hate that. Something about those child-like Japanese voices screeching at the top of their lungs that really grates me. The soot balls were awesome - and I like the fact that the "food" they ate were those little Girl's Day rock candies shaped like stars. I loved those things. I could eat them all day.

The only other anime I've ever been truly enamored with was Cowboy Bebop - which is the bomb. I hear they play it on Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim" late at night. For the record the only other anime I have seen is Princess Mononoke and it sucked ass. I still have nightmares of that deer with the man's face. Blech.

Anyway - "Spirited Away" was a great movie, go see it.

Something magic in the way you hold me in your eyes

Having my brother move in with us - I've learned a lot of interesting things. I was watching E! News and it showed a picture of Scott Baio...

JENN: Wow Scott Baio. What happened to that dude.
BRO: You know what CHACHI means in Korean?
JENN: No...
BRO: D*ck. Chachi means d*ck in Korean. So when they aired "Joanie loves Chachi" in Korea - they had to change the name.
JENN: Really?
BRO: Yeah, cause "Joanie Loves D*ck."

Weenies
This weekend is Father's Day. Although I don't have a father, we celebrate for my Grandpa. The old man is like 84 and his fave food is hot dogs. I told him a hundred times he's just eating lips and assholes, but he doesn't care. He likes 'em.

Maybe if we cut them into little animal shapes like the crazy Japanese - it will make them more appetizing to the rest of us....
p.s. If you click on the image it gives you directions....

Do not use before...
Ok - CLEARLY I am losing my f*cking mind. I got off work early today around 3pm. Perfect. Lots of time to go home and cook a nice dinner. So I'm looking in the fridge and I'm like, "What the f*ck?" All the sauces and things are expired. So I throw out a ton of sh*t and clean out the fridge.

Cut to Kyle coming home and taking out the trash and asking,

KYLE: "Why the hell is the trash so heavy?"
JENN: "I did a mad cleaning and threw out everything."
KYLE: "There was a lot of stuff in there."
JENN: "It all said "Expires November 2003" can you believe that? How gross!"
KYLE: "Uh - it IS 2003..."
JENN: "Huh? ...Holy sh*t..."

Oh well, most of that stuff was Kyle's anyway....hahahaha

Don't ever lay a hat on a bed, it's bad luck
Ok - so I raced home from work to see America's Next Top Model. Ebony got kicked off for being greasy. She kept lubing herself up - to the point that the doorknobs were greasy. If I were her, before I left the house I woulda put lotion all over those door knobs. HA.

I think my head is growing. Already I have a giant head, so this news is horrible. I put on an old summer hat of mine and it was a bit tight. Goddam. Having a big head sucks, seriously. But one good thing is - hats look GREAT on me. All you small headed peeps shouldn't wear hats - you look retarded. People with big heads can wear hats well, it just accentuates better.

Oh well, guess I have to go hat shopping to replace my old ones...

The soundtrack of our lives
Well, I've realized today how big a part of my life music is. I have it going all day long. Let me break it down for you. I wake up at 6:30 drive to work and lately have been listening to a new radio station: Groove Radio 103.1. Normally pulsating rave music is not my style - but after working 13 hours yesterday - I need something to dull my senses and lull myself into a coma-like state as I drive myself BACK to the place that is the bane of my existence - i.e. work.

Once I get to work I immediately stream...ahem...I mean, I don't stream at work...that would be wrong....Anyway, I listen to the Chris Moyles Show on BBC Radio. His evening drive time show is on for a good two hours just as I arrive at work. Great stuff - and I get to hear all the music BEFORE it becomes popular in the U.S. Hello - T.A.T.U., Panjabi M.C. Now they're popular? That was so October last year....

When Moyles-y goes off the air at 9:40am I then turn on my real player. 80's music is always good in the morning to start my day. This morning I happened to listen to the Best of Hall and Oates. A damn good cd - everyone should own. After lunch I start to wind down and I need something to numb myself to the fact that I still have another 8 hours to go. So usually Weezer or the Pixies will take me past 5:30pm without wincing. Ah Rivers Cuomo, talk to me boy....By 7:30pm if I haven't screamed and threatened the lives of all my co-workers who are also doing overtime - I apologize for last night, really - The Cure or Everything But the Girl - basically anything slow, will kick me through til I leave. Finally at 8 or 9 after a horrifying 12 hours at work I get into my car and drive home. At this point I can't stand much and the best music to drive home on the 405 with no cops or traffic is ARROW 93.1FM Classic Rock.

As I lay my head down to sleep, I rest knowing full well I will be up in 6 hours to do it all over again....

What would we do baby, without us...
It's June 9th - do you know what day is is? Michael J. Fox's birthday! Yay!! I can't believe I even remember the date. When I was 12 this meant something, really it did. I had my walls plastered with his pictures and saw all of his movies. Yes even "Casulties of War." Shoutout to Sean "Spicoli" Penn.

For those who know (heh, or care) Marty McFly in Back to the Future was originally played by another 80's icon - Eric Stolz. They actually filmed a lot of the beginning of the movie with him til they realized he sucked. HA. Here are some pictures of what you could've seen...

We all scream for...
Talk about overindulgence. This has been a weird food weekend for me - of which I will spare you the details - but I capped it off tonight with a trip to Cold Stone Creamery. Their rather enticing billboards were what did me in. First we couldn't find the damn place and just as we were about to give up - we drove right past it. It was pretty darn happening for a Sunday night at 9:30pm.

If you haven't been to one before - it's basically ice cream, with a twist. You pick your ice cream flavor, then a mix in. The server then throws these ingredients on a cold marble stone and mixes it together with two paddles. Sounds disgusting? Well it's pretty damn tasty actually. The ice cream flavors are pretty basic save for one or two strange ones. Let's just say I passed on the "Cake Batter Ice Cream." Instead I chose my fave: Coffee. I'm such a sucker and so predictable. Now for the mix ins- the first one is free, but any additional is like 75cents - so it can get pricey. I went with Twix bars. There were also brownies, Snickers, chocolate chips, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, gummi bears, and fresh fruits, too many to name. I just went with my Coffee ice cream and Twix bars mixed in. If you can't even begin to imagine what to concoct - you can go with one of their "Cold Stone Original Creations". I would suggest this is the best way to go cause mine was rather plain - and since they invented the stuff, they really know what tastes best. Kyle decided to get their "Apple Pie ala Cold Stone." Darn it if that didn't taste EXACTLY like apple pie, it was amazing! They started with sweet cream ice cream, added apple pie filling, graham cracker pie crust, cinnamon and a touch of caramel. Yum.

Although we bought smalls, there was no way I could finish it. I used to love ice cream to the point where I could eat in morning, noon and night, but in my old age - I've over it. Now small doses is about all I can take. Still, it was an experience and I will of course, be going back. After all, the "Coffee Lovers Only" is calling my name...

Brusha brusha brusha...

My brother just moved in with us. He showed me his new toothpaste "Aquafresh EXTREME Clean." Why does everything have to be so extreme - I don't know. Anyway it has the COOLEST packaging. Very futuristic. Of course now I want it. It's a weird orange color too. Now if only it tasted like orange soda....

Fresh out the kitchen
I love kitchenware. I buy it all the time. I can spend hours in Williams Sonoma or Crate and Barrel. So today I bought these very cool cups. They replaced my old ones since they kept breaking - what better excuse to buy new glassware. These are the bomb. They're heavy and easy to hold.

But of course, they'll never replace my Chiasso cups with feet!!

"CC" this m*therf*er
Ok - I work in an office - as I'm sure most of you do. In fact - you're probably reading this sh*t when you should be working you lazy bastards.

Anyway - what I HATE and LOVE at the same time - is ALL OFFICE EMAILS. The ones where people feel the need to ask generic questions, publicize their lame accomplishments, you know what I mean. Well my office is famous for them. Mind you - we have two offices, one in the east and one here in the west - so this shit goes to both offices....Here are some examples of ACTUAL emails that were sent to all of us.

1. "I can't find my slippers, they were under my desk yesterday."
2. "Who took all the coffee cups in the kitchen - please return them"
3. "We bought a 50 pack of silverware, please stop taking them home, we only have one office fork."
4. "Andrea Wilson worked here 7 years ago, does anyone know where she is? We never changed over her 401k...."

God - WHO CARES!? What if someone sent one that said, "Yo - I just got laid." That would be awesome - thanks for the info. As much as I find them maddening - I love them for their stupidity and I also love the horrid mis-spelling of words. You would think you would spell check before you sent that to every single person in the office. I also love the ones where they try and be cheery by typing in different colors. You know that was done on company time and it took them forever to highlight the words and change the font to red.

I too am guilty of the all office emails - only because - as I've said before - I love to drive people crazy around here. I think my best one was when I needed to plot drawings all day long, so I was told to send an email to everyone to tell them to stay away from the plotter. Well - knowing full well no one was going to read an email titled "plotter usage" - I titled my email: "FREE DONUTS IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM." Then in the body of the email I told them what was up with the plotter. Do you know how goddam funny it was when people started ACTUALLY walking in the conference room looking for donuts? Hello - obviously those m*therf*ers didn't read the body of the email - just the subject line!

I gotta go - I'm gonna go email everyone in the office and tell them I'm leaving for the day.

Say cheese
Since everyone always says, "A healthy breakfast starts the day." I decided to try it. Normally I don't eat breakfast, but standing in the aisle at Trader Joes compelled me to buy some items. So I went with yogurt and a maple crunch cereal. Bad idea. Yogurt is disgusting. Something about that sour taste I can't stand. I thought maybe now that I'm older I'd get used to it - no can do. It's gross.

Thinking about it - basically all dairy products are disgusting to me - yogurt, sour cream, cream cheese, cottage cheese, CHEESE - gross. Anything coagulated = barforama. And the only milk I will drink is NON-FAT. Anything else seems way too thick to be drinking down.

And why the hell is the California Dairy council targeting asians? Basically they are saying, those silly asians don't speak english - therefore they can't read a milk carton? Who came up with this campaign?

So my adventures in breakfast are over. I'm settling for toast with honey and some orange juice. Better than nothing.

For the birds
I am not an animal lover. They are cute and all, but having to take care of them. Ferget it. Especially dogs - do not like dogs.

So I awake to the sounds of our neighbors dog barfing. Really interesting, if you're never heard it - I cna't even explain it.

So I decide, what the hell, I'll just get up. Then I go into the bathroom, and apparently some ghetto ass pigeons have nested on our roof - Cause I can see their feet and asses all over my skylight. DISGUSTING. Pigeons are the sickest things ever. They are disease ridden, have mites, they are basically flying rats. In Hawaii people raise them and color them - yes DYE them, and rent them out for parties as "Rainbow Pigeons." That is the most f*ing disgusting thing I can think of to have at my party.

Anyway - I am trying to devise a way to kill these things. I would like to just throw something at them but that won't do anything. Normally when I see a bug, my dad always used a golf putter. So for years that's what i'd use to kill things - big or small. I think if I took a club to these things it would be considered animal cruelty. Anyway, I gotta think of something. I hate birds.

Vacation's all I ever wanted

So if you stay 10 years at my office they give you $1000 and a week's vacation to spend it on - the stipulation? You have to come back and do a slideshow about it. God. So although my ten years is far away - but closer than I'd hoped, I've already thought of a great slideshow. Instead of going somewhere - I'm going to just spend the money and take pictures of me shopping. Pictures to amuse and confuse the Partners. So here are Top five ways to spend $1000, Well, not really, but I get a kick out of seeing if people at the office take me seriously...It'll be a great slideshow...

5. A picture of me handing money to a hooker on Santa Monica
4. Me feeding a parking meter.
3. Me buying a cheeseburger happy meal at McDonald's
2. Me buying a pair of Manolos.
1. A picture of me buying crack in Hollywood

Sick of it...sick of it all...
I was sick today. And I worked 13 hours. BUT I only have to work half day tomorrow - yay! Cause I'm going to the doctor. How sad is it that I would rather be ill than be at work...So I came home and watched "America's Top Model." Tyra Banks huge forehead is FIERCE.

Why does everyone make fun of me for picking Elyse goddamit - she's the best and not a moron!!!! I also like the no-emotion food poisoning chick - she rocks. I AM SO PSYCHED. (say it all monotone.)

By the way - be sure to watch The MTV Movie Awards Thursday night, my cousin Janis will be performing with PINK. Gotta watch....

Bob Marley - poet and a prophet

GRAM: "You know how your friend named her kid Marley - is that cause of Ziggy Marley?"
JENN: "No - Bob."
GRAM: "Oh - you should name your kid Ziggy."
JENN: "Great. If he's short and bald he can have his own cartoon."
GRAM: "What?" Anyway, you know what other names I like ..."
JENN: "I can only imagine..."
GRAM: "You know that guy on Star Search?"
JENN: "Arsenio?? You want me to name my kid Arsenio??"
GRAM: "No - Frank Zappa's kid.."
JENN: "Dweezil? Dweezil Zappa??"
GRAM: "No - but I like that one! I meant his brother on Star Search..."
JENN: "Ahmet."
GRAM: "Yes, Ahmet. Ziggy, and Dweezil. All good names."
JENN: "Don't forget Arsenio."
GRAM: "Oh god no, who would name their kid that. Such an odd name..."

Now you say - You're startin' to feel the push and pull
Aw what a guy - you gotta love him.

So after writing many a hateful email to www.deepdiscountdvd.com - my Goonies dvd finally arrived. Perhaps I was a bit hasty with the hate mail - not really - I've been on edge lately. Anyway - the end justifies the means cause I gots me my dvd! Yay!

So - besides this one time f* up - I will tout the fine work of deepdiscountdvd.com - that place rocks! The dvds are cheap, there is no tax and always free shipping. Just compare the price between them and amazon.com, you can't beat it!! Just be forewarned - if you type in the words **deep*discount*dvd** in a different order...you will end up with a porn site. Been there, done that....

Talking to ralph on the big white phone
Here's some hints on how to keep from throwing up - I give these to you because my office decided to get the carpet cleaned - why after 5 years they decide to do it now - you got me. All I know is they did it on Friday - and brilliantly kept all the doors locked and the air off all weekend. Thus making for a delicious smells of chemicals fumes that is slowly eating away at our brains this morning.

As I sit here breathing this in - I am incredibly nauseous and it's all I can do from running to the bathroom to dry heave. So here are some ways to counteract this:

eat crackers - anything dry, toast, pretzels.
drink ginger ale - 7-up will do too.
eat lemondrops - Mmmm...lemon drops. Delish.
meditate - it sounds lame, but doing yoga breathing can make you feel much better, just do it outside, not in here with the fumes.

I looked everywhere and couldn't find Nemo
I'm stressed out. I have a lot of sh*t going on this week.

Sundays are my favorite days. To me it's the best day of the week cause we go to farmer's markets. NOT to be confused with the permanent Original Grove Farmer's Market (home of Wood Ranch) which we also went to today - but I'll get to that later. When I say I go to the farmer's markets some people misunderstand - these are set up/tear downs, temporary ones just on the weekends. Great fresh produce, better than in a store.Today we went to the Hollywood Farmer's Market on Hollywood and Vine, which is really big - over 90 vendors, probably one of the best. We usually go to the Beverly Hills one on Sunday - but it's so small, and though this one is way dirtier, where else can you shop with the hipsters and the celebs. I had roasted corn for lunch and Kyle had his fave chilaquiles. The best Sunday lunch ever.

And...since we just happened to be right there....I stopped into Amoeba Records, looking for some Weezer. After that the plan was to go to the El Capitan to see "Finding Nemo," but it was completely sold out - not surprising for a weekend since Disney owns the El Capitan and you get a whole live stage show and everything before every movie. So the kids were there in full force.

Instead we went to the Grove - the ORIGINAL Famer's Market which I love. I could shop there all day, but I was exhausted so we just hung out and caught a matinee of the Italian Job which was good. I do love me some Marky Mark. Feel it, feel it. I highly recommend those theatres, I don't know if it's supposed to be reserved seating, but we walked up to the top and got some very cushy leather seats. Nice.

A good Sunday, now we are home and i am stressed again.