I'm like a walking candy apple

We spent Halloween at a friend's house. She lives in the same neighborhood as the home that was used in the movie Father of the Bride. If you know that movie, you know that the neighborhood is gorgeous. There Halloween isn't just a holiday, it's an event. We gave out glow stick bracelets, and over 350 kids came to the door! Damn.

It was the Kid's first real Halloween, where he really understood what was going on. I don't know why people hate Halloween, it's a lot of fun when you look at it through a kid's eyes. The decor, the candy, it's really fun. I still didn't carve my pumpkins. *sigh* I have too much crap going on. I think I will carve them for the pirate party, though.


Oh yes, the caramel apples. I love things MINI. I love things GIANT. Thing in between, eh. Since everyone was bringing cookies and cakes to the Kid's school potluck, I thought I'd try something different and make caramel apples, but...MINI ONES. Awesome. I looked around for lady apples, which are super tiny, but there weren't many around this season, so I had to settle for 'small' instead of 'mini.' Still, they came out pretty cute. Directions, HERE.
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Wanna get dirty?

Today is the Halloween carnival at the kid's school. There is a potluck afterwards, where I signed up for 'desserts'. Little did I realize, two kids, means two dishes. DAMMIT. I realized this last night around 8pm. So I improvised quick with whatever I could find in my house. YES, we always have gummi worms in the house. Don't ask. It has to do with potty training is all you need to know. So, since everyone is bringing the same ol' cookies and cakes, I decided to make something fun and different.

Here is a creepy dirt cake. You can make a cute version with flowers and junk, but hey, it's Halloween, and looking at this cake makes me kind of sick, frankly. I also made some AWESOMEly cute mini caramel apples. But I'll post those tomorrow so you don't go into sugar shock.

How to 'dirt cake'...HERE.

Bag lady

I am crappy mom. I'm not gonna get into it, but let's just hope that the Baby doesn't end up having to go to his party in a Pope-mobile type contraption, waving to the crowd from a safe sealed environment.

Instead, let's think of happy thoughts. I have been wanting one of these tokidoki bags ever since they announced the first release. The art is so cute. And dangerous. And evil. And lovely. I got this as a gift. I *heart* it so much.

My home is where the heart isSweet to surrender to you only

Believe it or not, the pirate party just the tip of the iceberg on my 'to do' list. I have so much stuff going on, it's kind of insane. Some things aren't even my own projects. Like this.

My mom and I make gingerbread houses for Christmas gifts every year. Three years ago we made a haunted gingerbread mansion. This year she wanted to try it again, but I kicked it up a whole lot. Here's the 2006 version. This thing weighs a ton and is about 14 inches tall by 10 inches wide. It only took a few hours to decorate, actually. It's just like building a 'real' house. It was fun, but I like Christmas a whole lot more. It's not so spooktacular.

More info and pics, HERE.

Angela: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin’s waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.Michael: That sucks. Great. Wow. That’s good timing.

No Office tonight. I am crying myself to sleep in my huge pillow.
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Ok. Yes. I am a perfectionist. Blah, blah, frickin' blah. For this party I didn't really want to do games cause 1. I didn't feel like this should be a damn carnival and 2. I am lazy and do not like party games.

Instead I tried to throw junk on the table and hope that people amuse themselves. I looked around for some sort of activity book (pirate themed of course) and all the ones I saw were crap. Instead...I, uh...designed my own. Shut it, I know. But hey, it didn't take that long, and in the end I got exactly what I wanted. Also I had it professionally printed and bound by comixpress.com, who is awesome in every way and no they do not pay me to say that. It was CHEAPER than buying storebought books. So there.

Here's the front page. If you wanna see the rest, click and take a peek, and let me know what you think.

Kelly: "Who invented cupcakes, right?"

As I said before, most people google song lyrics to find their way here.
However, sometimes I get...different info seekers.

Things people google to get to my blog:
1. The Amazing Spiderham
2. OK to hate Bobby Flay
3. What does a boob feel like
4. How to do light saber moves
5. I am addicted to sugar
6. phobia of polka dots.

I SWEAR, what is with you people?? To answer your questions:

1. I do not own that comic.
2. Yes, I hate Bobby Flay. Ass.
3. It feels like a 'bag of sand.'
4. I...really can't help you here.
5. Who isn't, baby. Who isn't.
6. I have an INTENSE and not funny do not laugh type of fear of polka dots that is so horrible I can't even begin to tell you even my best friends do not understand it and I recently threatened to punch someone who was wearing a polka dotted headband and you know who you are.

There. Questions answered.
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How can I explain, when there are few words I can choose

Things I have said out loud recently:

"The Baby ate another kid's barf!"
"I told you, don't piss on your brother."
"I am going to gnaw on your arm like a corn cob."
"What up my ninja?"

This is why people don't talk to me anymore, I guess.

Also, what do you think - fishnet stockings at work. Bad idea? I'm not asking for myself, I am asking in general. Good or slutty? Not to be confused with "Good and Plenty" which is candy.

I know I'm right, for the first time in my lifeThat's why I tell you, you'd better be home soon

Told you this weekend was a baking extravaganza. Something special for Halloween. More to come...

*click for big-ness*

Also, Old Navy $5 Halloween tees, now 50% off. So only $2.50. Cheap.

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I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel

Well, it seems these kids are taking after me. Budding artistes, these boys. At school they paint and draw, yes, even the Baby. He came home on Friday with this lovely piece of art I've entitled, 'Baby's Inferno'.

I love how he chose the yellow and the red, and how it looks like the balloon is bursting into flames. It's insanely morbid and someday it will be analyzed by millions on the wall of a museum. Or not. It's visually stunning, and moving. And makes me want to hide the matches.

Anyway, sko_G was over Saturday night and said, "God. He didn't even TRY to stay in the lines." Uh. Hello. The Baby is 11 months old. A-hole.*

*Ha. I only said that cause I know he is reading this.

S-H-O-P-P-I-N-G. We're shopping.

I am such a perfectionist I hate myself sometimes. I am trying to organize this party ahead of time to avoid headaches. I put all the centerpieces, favors, etc for the tables into bags so I can just unload as soon as I get there. At this point I realized, holy crap. I go to Trader Joe's a lot.

It is our main place for food shopping. However today, I am in the middle of a BAKING EXTRAVAGANZA. Of which I'm sure I will take pictures and show you soon. Therefore, I can't make my weekly run to TJ's to make sure my kids are well fed. So, the responsibility lies with...the Husband. *cue scary music* My husband has not been to the market in years. Therefore, I...uh..draw maps. Of the market. Yes, I am lame, but hey, I'm also a designer. I can't help myself. At least this way I get exactly what I want.

*click for big-ness*

Now I shall...plant my seed in you.

Come on. "Love me, love me" would be waaayyyy too easy to choose as a post title. Give me some credit. Someone told me they come here Friday mornings to see what Office quote I will use. Don't put pressure on me people, I'm on edge as it is. I'll shut this whole blog down and put it in the little hobo pack tied to a stick and you'll never see me again!!!

ANYWAY - Gosh. That phone call between Pam and Jim kinda made my heart hurt, in a funny little way. It made me kinda weepy. Then again, maybe it's the Halloween candy sugar high I am on.

I am scared to admit that I see a merging of the two offices coming on. Just like in the BBC version. Meaning...Pam will have to watch Jim and Karen be together. That will crush my tiny little sugar high heart.

Speaking of sweets, I really want to go HERE for delicious cupcakes, but as I stated in their comments, I don't go to the Valley cause it's full of porn. And it's 100 degrees. Constantly.

I came home to find a nice present from onenjen, an amazingly pretty new Marvel Universe book. It has a 'talking Stan Lee' which I can do without, frankly, but my fave of all pages is "The Women of Marvel" page. Cause I *heart* cartoon girls.

More importantly, why do these shoes scare the crap out of me?

Wow. This post came out to be so LINKALICIOUS.

Dreams are emotion, babyYou know you've got to try

Did you ever wonder if babies dream? I've always assumed so. Not that the Kid is a baby anymore, but good lord has he been dreaming up a storm. I know this because he wakes up screaming random shit at 2:30am, which is why I feel like crap every morning. LACK.OF.SLEEP.

Things he has yelled out to make me come a running:
(Note: he starts off soft...then pitches up into a scream by the end of the sentence.)

1. Mommy! Where is your car...WHERE IS YOUR CAR??
2. Mommy! Cupcakes. I...want.........CUPCAKES!!
3. Mommy! Don't..........MAKE ME EAT BEANS!!

Jesus Christ! He's crazy, right? After yelling these things he falls asleep straight away. WTF?

I'm sure you've noticed he begins every sentence with the word, "MOMMY." He does this in everyday life too, not just dream life. I don't know why he does this - yes to get my attention, but maybe it's just how he talks. Like a programmed robot or something.
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Pleasure, little treasure

More party stuff. *yawn* Sorry, I'm boring.
When I did the Kid's 1st birthday party, I had this game where I made my own 'lotto' tickets and people pulled off the tag to win a prize. This time around I am doing sort of the same thing, except....using pirate treasure chests. I can't tell you what you might win, but it will be good.

I am posting most of these pics for bffjeninatlanta, who is not coming to the party because...well, she lives in Atlanta. Still, she wants to see how over the top I am making this party. So I put up this site, so now you can glance all at once.

Most people who read this blog think my husband doesn't exist. Since he is never seen or talked about, people think he is a made up figment of my imagination. Could be. While it seems like I am a single mom, he WILL be at the Baby's pirate party. After I complained about stress, he volunteered to help me with the party by LICKING STAMPS FOR THE INVITES. What is this, 1986? When was the last time anyone had to lick a stamp? Some help.
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NO SOUP FOR YOU

This picture explains it all.
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Lately I have been FREEZING. What is the deal with that? I used to be the girl that could wear a tank top in 50 degree weather! After I got pregnant, I am suddenly freezing my ass off whenever the temp drops below 70. Therefore, soup.

I recently made some DELICIOUS Tortellini Soup. Tortellini is a filled pasta in case you don't know what that is. Thought I'd throw that out there since my MIL looked at me like I was serving her alien food. Then she ate it. And liked it. *sigh*

I have been making a lot of soup lately, it's warm and yummy and also it helps get the Baby onto solids way faster. Don't even ask me about day one of his daycare, it was a total nightmare. Here's a soup recipe to take away my pain.

Tortellini Soup, served with a side of pita, carrots & hummus.
The Baby loves this soup. The Kid...not so much.
Recipe....HERE.

Just another day in the weekWaiting for an opportunity to step in front of meMaybe I'm losing my mind

Today the Baby starts daycare and I am beside myself with guilt. What kind of a crap Mother would take a job where I get belittled draw pictures all day (someone buy me this shirt, please), instead of staying home and getting drooled on? Me, I guess.

I made up for in on the weekend though. I took the kids to no less than TWO pumpkin patches. One with ponies and a full 1/3 scale train ride! AND I had to walk two miles or something (I can't count) to get to the damn train. If you know me, I do not walk. Have you seen my shoes? Heels don't do well on hikes. Still, I did not buy a pumpkin. Why pay $30 when I can get one for $2.99 at Trader Joe's? Yes, I am a cheap bastard. Oh and thanks for the carving ideas.

Yes. This is Los Angeles.

Then why the F* do they have saddles?

Also: Doufeu. How can you argue with spectacular?

I can't seem to shake this feelingI can't seem to put it down down down down

I purposefully have not been posting things related to the Pirate Party, mostly because some people who read this thing will be there. Why spoil the fun? Still, I did a lot this weekend so I thought I'd share a little bit.

Party favors for the kids: I got these treasure chests (plastic boxes), and I filled them with Pez, some 'personalized stitch cards' with each kid's name, and a little animal pen. It looked too plain, so I wrote each kid's name on the box. Not bad. For the babies I had smaller boxes...thus smaller font. NOT EASY AT ALL. DO NOT RECOMMEND.

I'm not entirely thrilled with the way these came out, but there's still a lot of party stuff to go. So I give up. Damn I'm tired..

"How to" personalize boxes, HERE.

*5 points if you know the song in this post title. Every title is related, people.

Cuts like a knife

It's that time of year again, pumpkin carving! In the past I have made Mickey Mouse, my own face, the Husband's face, and last year, Batman. This year...I'm seriously at a loss. Help! I need some inspiration! Any suggestions?

Here's some of my past work (click for bigness)

I feel like...I'm being hit in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer.

Every Friday morning I sit at my desk, covering my mouth like a Japanese school girl, trying not to bust out laughing. It's hard to do because Nanette and I usually spend the day emailing Office quotes back and forth. YES WE ARE DORKS. Don't point your fingers at us, cause we are in a gang and will totally knife you. Granted our gang consists of only us and we just wear pink and eat cream puffs, but still, you get the idea. Don't mess with us.

You can't tell me that Pam isn't the greatest. I mean come on! She threw a bird funeral! Maybe it's just because I can relate to her since I would TOTALLY spend hours decorating a mini casket, but, whatever.

As far as the 'Jim+Stamford*Girl' thing. Well. I guess he has to move on. But it's starting to feel like I'm watching two shows now, and it feels like Jim is doing all the same stuff he used to do for Pam. In a way...it feels like I'm watching season one of the BBC series, if that makes any sense. I'm just waiting for he and Pam to be back in the same room. Then things will be all better in my heart.

More importantly, since when is John Stamos on ER? I thought he was still playing bongos on Kokomo...

More MORE importantly...WINNER!*

*I am posting this now because my internet sucks and will probably die in 5, 4, 3, 2...
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Suffragette City

CONTEST!?!? ...
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Ha. You guys are hilarious. When I asked for favorite recipes, I didn't mean MY recipes. I am flattered though. Nice words are good to hear especially since the dickish-ness of people is still going on in my life.

So I go to the post office today, and for some reason, at this particular P.O., everyone sends out at least 80 packages each, and they are all half-ass wrapped in tore up boxes. So I FINALLY get to the front of the line and this P.O. work comes out and says, "Who wants to pay with credit card?" Dumb me says happily, "I do!" Then she takes me over to the "machine"...

Jenn: "Oh. I don't want to use this. It breaks everytime I get to the end. I'd rather not, thanks."
P.O.: "Well it's not broken now."
Jenn: "I know, but I waited in line cause I wanted a real person to handle my packages..."
P.O.: "I'm not forcing you to do this."
Jenn: "Well, I just lost my place in line, and now I kinda have to use it."
P.O.: "Well I don't need to hear any crying. Just get back in the front of the line."

Ok, tell me, what do I do that warrants people to feel the need to be so mean to me all the time? I swear I wasn't angry or cry-y, I was just saying...*sigh* I dunno. I give up. Really. I think the world has decided that they need to sh*t on someone and they all unanimously voted that it be me.

Anyway, you who receive packages from me this week, know that I suffered greatly for your gain.
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Holy sugar-high, Batman!

CONTEST!?!? Say wha? Info below...
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What is scarier than Vegan cookies? Nothing, frankly. Cause a world without butter and eggs is no world I want to live in. However, you do make compromises for love. And seeing how the Kid seems to still have an aversion to dairy, well – you get the picture. So I told him I wanted to make Halloween cut out cookies and he declared that BATS were the way to go.

Here is a Vegan gingerbread cookie recipe that I got from 'the post punk kitchen'. It's pretty darn good, and holds up against a standard gingerbread recipe any day.

Vegan Gingerbread Cut-out Cookies

Then I modified it and made Vegan chocolate cookies, for…ice cream sandwiches. You heard me. See how I snuck dairy in there? Well, you can always put Tofutti in between instead. Hey, your call.

Vegan Chocolate Cookies (for 'ice cream' sandwiches)

SO – I haven’t done a CONTEST in quite a while, but here is your chance to win a bag of each of these tasty treats. (Ice cream not included of course.) Just leave a comment in this post, uh, tell me your favorite food, or recipe you'd like to try? Or not. Just say hi. That's it! You have until Friday, good luck!
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If everybody had an ocean, across the U.S.A.,Then everybody’d be surfin’ like Californ-I-A

So my cable provider and I are in a heated battle. So far they are winning. By shutting down my service every night for 5 – 15 mins at a time, every hour or so, they think they can break me. Well, they can’t break me but they can get me pretty f*cking ticked off.

So I called them last night. For what? To bitch. What else do I have to do, MY CABLE IS DOWN. After being on hold for a solid 30 minutes (they can’t break me) I tell the guy that, well, they suck.

Cable guy: “Let me repeat back to you what you said so I can write your problem down, you said, that our service was….’unreliable’…?
Jenn: “No, I said it was crappy. SHITTY in fact.”
Cable guy: “Ah. I see.”

In the end I demanded money back for the time lost, just cause I needed some sort of retribution. Yeah! Stick 'em where it hurts, give me back my $1.99, suckers! He said he’d give me a whole week's credit. I told him I didn’t care, the money wasn’t the point, I was just pissed at being on hold for 30 minutes.

He was a good enough customer service guy, it wasn’t his fault. He took my complaints with a grain of salt and told me it was going to be a-ok. If only he'd rubbed by head and gave me a lollipop, I’d feel a hell of a lot better.

To celebrate the fact, that we've seen the back,of another black....day.

Getting paid means I can spend money. I went to Anthropologie the other day, and let me just say I LOVE that store. As freakin' expensive as it is, I adore it. The decor, the kitchenware, the clothes, the "design" of the entire store. So once in a while, I luck out and actually do more than window shop, when I find something in my price range, way back in the sales area.

I found an amazing shirt, and what is even more amazing is that I fit into a size SMALLER than my normal size. I was overjoyed. But as is the designer's dilemma, I couldn't decide on the color. The cream was pretty, but light colors make me look huge. Black is slimming, right? This is why my entire wardrobe is goth-esque. So I am standing in front of the mirror, contemplating. My MIL and the sleeping baby to one side, watching me...

The young cute salesgirl comes over and I tell her my ‘light colors = huge’ dilemma. She looks at the stroller and then looks at me and says, "Well…did you just give birth?" I laughed so hard it almost echoed up in there. I said, laughing, "NO. I did NOT just give birth, this is as skinny as it gets." Ha! Granted she was a size 0, probably no more than 18 years old, so what does she know about birthing babies and being fat?

Still. I was like, GOOD LORD. Here I was feeling good about being able to fit into a smaller size and there go my hopes and dreams.

I bought the black.
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Our frank and open. Deep conversations.They get me nowhere. They just bring me down, so...

You know, I am generally a cranky person, but these last few weeks I've been feeling pretty good, and thusly, being a happy, friendly person and doing decidedly nice things for people. Well you know what? It sucks. People are mean. Really mean! And now I realize why I go through life holding back and being suspect.

How can EVERY encounter, whether it be with family, friends, a stranger at the market, or that woman at the mall, how can every encounter, conversation, email, end in meanness and me feeling hurt? I don't get it.

The one person, ONE who was nice to me...the man at the shoe store, and dammit if that didn't just...fit. This guy was genuinely nice, not in a sell-y way. I am clearly going to have to run off with this shoe saleman guy cause he won my heart. And got the sale. New shoes. Finally. Happiness.
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"I am going to kill you for real. NO. Outside of this game, I am going to really shoot you."

Don't say Jim's gonna hook up with Stampford's not-Pam. Don't say Jim's gonna hook up with Stampford's not-Pam. Don't say Jim's gonna hook up with Stampford's not-Pam. ~sigh~

Much like the Stampford branch on the Office tonight, at my old job, at 5pm everyday, they'd shut down and play one of those 'first person shooters'. I didn't get it, but man, were they into it. As far as the episode tonight, while everyone keeps telling me this 'new girl' is hot, I still believe in JAM.

My Kid, he normally doesn't eat fast food. But today he begged to eat at Burger King, cause he sees it when we are driving. I said ok, since he was a good boy all week, and I figured, what could be the harm? Well the harm was me cleaning up a volcano of barf all night. However, I don't think it was the fast food, more the 3 cups of chocolate soy milk he drank. Yikes. He was really thirsty, or so I thought. I think from now on I will have to leave him parched. There was no corn involved, though. In case you were wondering.
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I'll run around in circles til I run out of breath, I'll eat you all up, or I'll just hug you to death

Kid: "I love you Mom."
Jenn: "I love you, baby."
Kid: "Mommy? I love you and I love corn."
Jenn: "Who doesn't?"
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I am still living with your ghostlonely and dreaming of the west coast

I believe these boys are in cahoots. For the first time since ever, the Kid slept peacefully through the night. Ahhh...Meanwhile the baby decided it'd be a mighty fine idea to wake up every two hours. Bastard.

Of course after a lovely night of 30 minutes of rest, I had to spend most of the day walking...and walking...and walking. *yawn* I took a few more downtown pics. I also read a very interesting article on Beck and his new album. I've always liked him, but the interview really intrigued me. The way the author tied the city, into the evolution of Beck, well I just thought that was dandy. I *heart* good writing. And I *heart* Los Angeles.

Also I bought some pretty f*cking awesome ink pens at MOCA today. They write so smooth it makes my heart happy and I want to marry them. Yep. These pens are that good. Ballpoint pens can suck it, btw. That's what it will say on my headstone when I'm dead. I'll only use one under complaint and protest.

Me. MOCA. More here.

Breaking my back just to know your name

O.G. is signing her life away in these books. I told her to just sign it for god's sakes, she doesn't have to write a damn novel. If you want her to write you a carefully worded paragraph, let me know. I'm sure she'll be more than willing to oblige.

The rsvps are coming back for the pirate party...slowly. That is annoying as I am a super planner and I need to know these things. When I do parties, I like to put the guest's names on the reply cards because:

1. How many times have I heard, "What does M_________ mean?"
2. Sometimes people forget to write in their own names.

*sigh* Whatever people. Let me make it as easy and just DO IT FOR YOU.

When you're alone and life is making you lonely...

Every year my mom gets season tickets to the Opera, and today was the first - 'Don Carlo'. Don't worry, this is not a review, if oyu really want to know what I think send me and email and I'll let you know. Don't even get me started on the Spanish Inquisition.

The Music Center is at the top of Bunker Hill, an area that has a great mix of downtown architecture. I love downtown L.A., with all it's faults - it's still one of my favorite places in this city. Most L.A.ers never go there, and they are truly missing out.

It was kind of cloudy today, but I took some pictures of one of my fave buildings, the Walt Disney Concert Hall by Frank Gehry - I love me some angles. I also stopped by the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels. Designed by Raphael Moneo and criticized by many, I have to say that once inside the cathedral, it's absolutely breathtaking. Also, does your neighborhood cathedral have a gift shop and cafeteria? Not like this one, lemme tell you.

Yes, there is much to hate about L.A., the smog for one, (It was so bad the other day I could...taste it.) but all in all, it's a good city. It is. I won't try and sway your opinion, just trust me as one of the few natives born and raised here. Speaking of taste AND of cathedrals, I made a latte cake today...in my cathedral cake pan! Man do I know how to bring a post to a conclusion, or what? Pictures of downtown, and hey - cake, HERE.

Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking when I said, I'd like to bash every tooth in your head

Hello Kitty. So kawaii. So cute, that...it draws you in. Even though I worked for HK for years, I can't stay away. When we were in Hawaii CoolBeans needed to get some gifts for the flower girls. Off to Sanrio at Ala Moana. I tagged along, and was pleasantly surprised. I wanted every goddam thing in that store. For what purpose I have no idea. I should have had baby girls so I could buy this sh*t.

I spotted something out of the corner of my eye, it was a metal lunchbox (something I love) with 4 little HELLO KITTY HEADED PEZ DISPENSERS. I don't really like the taste of Pez, but holy crap. I walked by it twice. I wanted it so badly, but for what, FOR WHAT? Plus the goddam thing was $20 something dollars, ridiculous.

So we left. And I coveted.

Cut to the night before the wedding when I had to make a stop at Longs to buy bandaids for my mosquito bites. Let me make a segue here and tell you that mosquitos love my body. I don't get it. No one else in a ten mile radious will get bit but me and I will swell up and it will hurt like nobody's biznass. I must taste sweet. I think it's all the pie I eat.

So we are walking down the aisles and there it is...the same exact case with the Pez dispensers! At this point CB states that she thinks 'they are cute and can live off of PEZ for the rest of her life'. Or something. I have no idea what she said, I was just eyeing the prize. At Longs the whole thing was a mere $11.99 and CB said, "Let's split it." I jumped at the chance, she could have all the Pez for all I cared, I just wanted the dispensers.

So we split them. Fairly. She got most of the Pez (save for a few packs for the Kid), we each took two dispensers, and I got the case. And as I finish this post I just realized I never paid her the $6 I owe her for the split. HA.
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